The job description is pretty simple: make me feel less ashamed of melting my kettle on the hob and other such daily Bridget-esque life failings… (I mean at least she gets the guy… where the f*** is Colin Firth when you need him?)
Please find person specification below. Anyone with house plants that are still alive or fully stocked refrigerators need not apply.
1. You cannot see your bedroom floor and you cannot remember what colour the carpet is (or if there even is a carpet… Is there a carpet?! Oh god is there?)
2. You start writing everything down in your diary but you keep leaving your diary at home and writing things on pieces of paper that you lose – another plan bites the dust, another friend pissed off…
3. You keep forgetting things when you go to the shop. Which means you’ve washed yourself with shampoo for five days straight and you’re on first-name terms with the local Deliveroo guy.
4. You’ve run out of underwear. Bikini bottoms have become an acceptable replacement to you.
10. You forget what day it is, what time it is, you say good morning at 4pm, you lose all ability to count. What year is it again…?
5. You have dreams about conversations, trips to the pub, adventures, and forget they haven’t actually happened. Which is why the office can’t remember that time you all met Johnny Depp in the toilets and had a group orgy in a cubicle. You should probably stop talking now…
6. You keep breaking things in creative new ways – you drop your phone into the sink because you were balancing it in a cupboard in the aim of face-timing a friend while washing up (it seemed like a good idea at the time). You then spill water on it at work. Then you smash the screen in on the way to the office. And then you melt the kettle on the hob…
7. You forgot to brush your teeth this morning. You also forgot to shower. Your tops is inside out and back to front.
8. The washing up is turning into an insurmountable challenge. You’re eating over the sink and into napkins.
9. You forgot the bins for the last two weeks and the front garden is developing a slightly off-putting smell (more than ‘slightly’ for your friends…)
10. You’ve downloaded Tinder again. Enough said.
11. You’ve become addicted to an app that leads you on a goose chase around the city, catching Pokemon.
12. You wake up every morning with a new empty bottle of cider on the bedside table.
13. At work, you accidentally call your boss ‘Scrumpy’ before you remember that your boss is not your dog.
14. You pour a bowl of museli before you remember there’s no milk left. You eat it anyway. With a spoon.
15. You tell yourself it will all be ok far too often… The lady doth protest too much…?