Ew. Why do people do it? Why do they share a plate of spaghetti Bolognese and play Lady and the Tramp? This photo by the way, the huge one, above, with the two incredibly good looking incredibly smooth-skinned incredibly cool naked people spooning face to face? People in love don’t really look like this. I just want to make it clear – these two had probably just met, at a photo shoot. They don’t even know each others’ names. Her hair would be all over her face, sticking out at weird angles, and his face would have pillow creases on it. This photo is a lie, people.
As I advance in years (23 now, the womb is a long and distant memory…) friends will unexpectedly burst out with ‘I love you’ to their partners, at random points of the evening, followed by a peck on the cheek. If you really loved them, you’d stop embarrassing them in front of their friends, I mean really…
So come on, why the rant, you ask? I probably sound like a very bitter single person on the 14th February (and maybe that is 100% accurate) BUT I am not a couple-hater. I’m a soppyglitteryfairyvomit-hater. So I’m here to expose the nitty gritty, what romance really looks like. The real deal. Valentine’s Day can’t even handle this.
IF YOU CAN BE DISGUSTING…
My friend summed it up perfectly when she was mourning her ex. She said she once had it all with him, they had been so comfortable together. And her reasoning for this?
‘Emily, I used to burp in his face. He hated it.’
Sometimes, love takes some strange forms… and if you can’t expel wind in front of your partner (and we’re talking out of any orifice here) then you’re not really in love ladies and gentlemen. I mean, can you really trust someone if you’ve never heard them fart…? I don’t think so.
CAN YOU ARGUE?
Then there’s the other disgusting parts of yourself – the morning person, the PMSing biatch, the grumpy loser who is silent after he loses football games against his mates (real or Fifa-based). The depressed drunk, the sleep-deprived workaholic. We are all these people at various points of the day/week/month and it can turn ugly.
So if you love someone, if you really love him down to the underwear he turns inside out and reuses, if you love her throughout the jokes she can never finish (because who really listens to the punchline anyway?), then you can attack said loved one – at any point – over anything.
‘You bought Nescafe? Nescafe? Have I ever bought Nescafe? No, because I buy Douwe Egberts like a normal person.’ Forget that your other half just trogged into the rain to fetch it, because they know you can’t cope in the morning without it. You’ll yell at each other for a while, then you’ll have some coffee and snuggle on the sofa. That’s true love right there – not even having the energy to finish a ridiculous argument.
IT’S ALL IN THE SHAMPOO YOU DON’T USE ANYMORE
And to continue the grossness theme (apparently this is the key to a perfect relationship…) They don’t show you this in the Disney films, Marley and Me doesn’t tell you, Love Actually leaves this part out too. But once you’re in love, you don’t need to wash your hair this week, right? Your partner loves you anyway by this stage, they’re well and truly trapped with your terrible stench, so why bother?
If you’re out to dinner this Valentine’s Day, look around. Are there any couples in tracksuits, trainers, eating burgers with their bare hands? They’re the real deal, folks. That’s what you should be aspiring to.
Although, really, the real real deal are at home, arguing over their presents before falling asleep on the sofa, spooning each other amongst empty bottles of wine. They’re both in their pyjamas by the way. I can paint a beautiful picture…
COMPLIMENTS ARE A THING OF THE PAST
With all that greasy hair and a faintly fishy aroma, compliments are bound to be lacking… (Darling, you look a little less terrible today, have I told you that?) Let’s face it, compliments are for stage 1 of dating. They should be rare anyway (you don’t want to come on too keen, right?) And once you’re in love, you spend every minute of each other’s company taking the piss. It’s the only way to do it.
Your dedicated partner makes you a delicious pasta bake? Your favourite part is of course the perfectly sliced aubergine (the only contribution you made to the whole meal). You unwrap your present and it’s the latest model of that camera you really wanted but couldn’t afford, to help your new entrepreneurial business project launch off the ground. It’s sweet, thoughtful, expensive. But the dope left the price on the box and instead of expressing your profound thanks for the best present you’ve ever received, you wave the sticker in their face and laugh at their ineptitude at present wrapping.
In short, both of you can be, well, dickheads. But in the nicest way.
So there you have it.
Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be the sickly sweet abomination of heart balloons, over-sized teddies (what self respecting adult still has teddies?!) and kissy noises. Fill yours with bodily gases, arguments, poor hygiene and plenty of insults and you’ll know – you really must be in love to put up with it all.
Feature Photo Credit: Ed Gregory