Perhaps you’re too old to believe in the monsters under the bed and the creatures in your closet, but Halloween 2015 gives us plenty to quake about…
1. 5 pence for a bag. It’s just not okay
Oh the horror. The total shop has already cost over a hundred pounds and now there’s another twenty-five pence to add on because you forgot your bag for life. So it empties our pockets of change and saves the environment, but still – twenty five pence, for bags. Let the nightmares commence.
2. Gluten-free dairy-free ‘chocolate’
This crumbly imposter is posing as a delicious treat. It’s in a chocolate wrapper, it looks like chocolate, but trust me on this, it tastes nothing like the heavenly cocoa we know and love and the shock will give you more nightmares, for months to come…
3. Pumpkins have really turned a corner
It’s true, these days, everyone’s an artist. And apparently a pumpkin carver. We’ve all seen fanged pumpkins, we’ve seen stunning carvings of witches on broomsticks and we’ve seen the true impression of evil carved into a pumpkin’s swelled up face. Turns out it’s amazing, what you can do with a pumpkin. But what I can do with a pumpkin? Well that’s becoming less and less impressive.
4. America has taken over
It’s true. It wasn’t enough to indoctrinate our kids with words like ‘cell phone’ and ‘gas’, or to trick them into incorrect spellings like ‘color’, oh no. They had to blow up our Halloween as well. I remember Halloween taking up one day of the year, but now? At least 2 weeks those decorations will be dangling in shops, the Twitter hashtag will be dominating our feeds and kids will be requesting ‘candy’ all week long.
5. What if we didn’t buy enough sweets…
That all consuming fear – what if the hoards keep on coming and there are not enough Haribos, not enough Minstrels, not enough Starbursts in the world to satiate their hunger?
6. Getting the tube wearing just a pillow case
I know what you’re wondering – why a pillow case? Well if you’ve seen Harry Potter as many times as I have you’ll see where I’m going with this. Dobby may not be very scary but he belongs at every Halloween bash.
7. Cards Against Humanity with strangers
It’s not a party without a drinking game and at this time of year, what better than the filthy sordid shenanigans of Cards Against Humanity? Prepare to make some awful first impressions.
8. The queue for any London club
The horror of going out on the town has nothing to do with costumes, the puddles of vomit or the drink prices. It’s all about those long, heaving, sweltering Monster Queues to get inside the club in the first place…
9. Staying with a friend but forgetting make up wipes
When your face is covered in white paste you’re gonna want to wash that crap off, because after a night of alcohol and strange spooky goings on, you’re not going to want to wake up to the Joker staring back at you from your pillow.
10. Eating all the snacks before any kids knock
One thing is to run out of sweets, another thing is eating them all yourself before they get here and being the guilty cause of those eggs splattered all over your windows. Don’t be your own downfall, resist the call of those chocolatey Maltesers.
11. Is that… Christmas I can hear…?
It gets earlier and earlier every year. We’re just trying to find some long black claws with blood dripping off the ends and bam – tinsel, Santa hats and jangly music catch us unawares. What season even is it?!
12. Watching bad horror films
Sometimes you convince yourself that it will get better. They’re just building g up the suspense, the scary stuff will kick in any minute. Any second now. Any moment… And ninety minutes later it hits you. This film won’t get any better and now there’s no going back, it’s too late for you. You’re stuck with a terrible horror film and there’s no one around to hear you scream.