We all hated those political school desks, the popular kid at the head, the weird one in prime mocking position at the opposite end. But it’s the most comfortable, familiar thing, to feel like I’m sitting in a classroom again, volunteering with the little ones at their girl-guiding group. Kids can be cruel (especially when they wipe snot on your hand) but they can also be hilarious, stubborn, disgusting and sometimes, absolutely silent in the creepiest way… So which kid were you?
1. Hermione Granger
Every primary school has a Hermione in the mix, the one with her hand up all the time, who knows everything. She’s annoying but she comes in very useful when you forget your homework…
2. Snot monster
These disgusting little critters are the worst, because they’re usually dead sweet and you feel like a jackass when you say get the fuck away from me with that mucus all over your chin. Turns out it’s not just kids that can be cruel. But how is that one kid always so snotty? It just doesn’t make biological sense.
3. The cool kid
This kid is always ready to one-up your story. If you went to the beach this weekend, this ass went to a beach the weekend before and caught a crab. If you went to Disneyland Paris, they went to Disneyland Florida. They’re intensely easy to hate.
4. Obsessive compulsive
This is the kid who always has to have the colour they want at the right time, a certain Pritt Stick (the one with a smooth top and no glitter mixed in) and if anyone messes with the divided system of their three-part pencil case, oh god… This kid will grow up to work in an office ordering admin supplies. And they’ll even enjoy the job. The world is a frightening place.
5. The quiet ones
This is the terrifying lurker who never says a single word. This kid slips unnoticed through life, too shy to speak to anyone, watching everything from a corner of a room. Watch your backs. Serial killers have to start somewhere…
6. The mess
This kid uses too much glue every time, spills glitter on the table, drops paint on their teacher’s new shoes. They’re a nightmare and they always have either food, pen or paint on their face. Never wear white around this child.
This is the kid that senselessly runs everywhere they go. Walking home with the rents? Nope, because they’re running home with them, except they have to keep running back when they get too far away and herd those slow grown ups forward like sheep. It’s exhausting, being a kid.
This kid will never let you or anyone else finish a sentence. You have a story to tell? Good luck with that. You have something to say? Tough, this five year old is on a mission and whatever you have to say just isn’t nearly as important, so shut up.
9. The awkward one
There’s always one kid slightly further behind on the social ladder than the others. This kid tries to be funny with references to weird Manga that no one else watches and makes puns that don’t quite work. No one cares and, as I said, kids are cruel. You’ll see this one playing hopscotch alone and kids will draw pictures of them on their mini white boards. Again, kids – cruel. Hilarious. But cruel.
10. HE’S SO FLUFFY
There’s absolutely 100% ALWAYS an incredibly adorable child, of course. Every class has one and they’re always loved by all. It’s the big cheeks, the blonde hair, the huge eyes, and that all-powerful Puss in Boots expression that never ever fails. THEY’RE SO CUTE YOU COULD DIE.