This is probably not a popular opinion – just gonna get that out of the way now. But it’s time to admit it: I hate smart phones. My family will scoff at this, because truth is, I’m glued to mine. And that’s why I hate it. Because I’ll make a WhatsApp group for the sake of easy planning of a night out and come the end of the working day, I’ll find twenty three notifications. And still nothing will be planned. Ahhhrrrggg. Imagine the possibilities of a life without these oppressors, these control freaks, these attention-seeking know-it-all automatons.
1. Your brain will be happier
Did you know that looking into the distance releases endorphins? Nope, because you never look beyond the screen six inches from your face. We’re missing out on free highs, guys. Unacceptable.
2. You’ll escape this once-removed existence
Ever watched a gig through someone’s upheld iPhone because otherwise said phone obscures your view? Welcome to second-hand living, folks. It doesn’t have to be this way.
3. You’ll be less BORING
You don’t have to be that person scrolling through your Facebook newsfeed, while your mates are drinking wine and dishing out the goss. Be more Lauper and have some fun for goodness sake.
4. Your eyes might actually make it to old age
We’ve all had the dizzy spells, the smart phone eye-waters, the pain behind our foreheads as we focus a kilo of brain on one tiny screen. No more.
5. Emojis can do one
Finally your facial expressions will return to conversations, no longer falling into the shadow of those mighty yellow emoji faces. Because sometimes you can just smile, instead of cracking out that hot flamenco dancer.
6. You’ll stop walking into angry commuters in the Underground
We’ve all walked straight bang smack into someone rushing for a train because we’ve been dawdling over a message. Avoid embarrassment, pain and some crude abuse in the morning. Ditch the smart phone.
7. Cars will stop honking
And they’ll stop running you over as you cross the road. My god, you’ll actually look around before you step off the kerb.
8. You won’t have to worry about hackers
No longer will your whole private, professional and financial life be condensed into one rectangular device. If you leave things on trains, you won’t feel quite so much like the world has ended.
9. You won’t be a nervous wreck anymore, yahoo!
Studies have shown that we actually get anxious when our phones aren’t on us. When did we get so needy!? Guys, gals, Siri ain’t real. She’s not your friend or your girlfriend. Soz.
10. You’ll start remembering things again
Have you forgotten how to function without alarms, timers, reminders and lists? I feel ya. Well, maybe it’s time to get back to basics and actually retain information.
11. You’ll have better relationships with good old Nan
No more strops from poor nana when she loses our battle for attention to what looks to her like a slim and useless brick, to an automated voice wizard (who the hell is Siri anyway? I want to meet her).
12. You’ll actually catch that trending Twitter hashtag happening before your eyes
The risk of missing Boris Johnson cartwheeling naked down Whitehall because you’re too busy liking the video of it on Youtube will no longer be an issue. You’ll see the real thing. Okay maybe I’m not selling this too well… Let’s replace the image with Ryan Gosling (ahhh betterrrr).
13. You’ll learn how to plan ahead
How often do you text, WhatsApp or otherwise message a friend for a last minute change of plan? Outside Leicester Square, not Goodge Street! Holy crap, we’d have to be on time and commit to plans. Oh Hell no.
14. You’ll find your backbone
Break ups, arguments, harsh words, it’s all done virtually these days. We’re bullying on Twitter because it’s less scary than face-to-face confrontation. Scrap the almighty smart phone and dump the poor lass in a coffee shop like in the good old days.
15. You’ll be less annoying as a person
Ever been stuck on a busy narrow pavement behind a dawdler, texting and completely oblivious to your attempts to politely manoeuvre around them? No? Then I’m afraid you are that person and you need to move out of my way.
16. You’ll stop crashing cars
Forget illegalising mobiles in cars – chuck out the whole damn device altogether and eliminate the chances. You’ll thank me later.
17. Give up that splintered view
Most of the people I know stare at screens smashed to oblivion, dropped face down numerous times and scarily jagged. It’s a hassle that you really don’t have to live with. Just give up the ghost and throw the damn thing in the bin.
18. Time to reconnect
Let’s not lose contact with the people that are actually present and around in our lives for the sake of keeping in touch with strangers we’ve never met on Tinder.
19. You might find the one
Without that smart phone holding you back, you could catch that Zayn Malik look-alike who doesn’t have Happn as he walks past you on the street. (If that doesn’t convince you, nothing will…)
20. Your attention span will take leaps and bounds
Forget 140 characters, and forget blog lists of twenty short observations for your absorption – get ready for (gasp) blocks of texts, articles, books – the opportunities are endless.
21. Pub quizzes will mean something again
With no more Shazam and Google on hand to aid opportunists in bars all over Britain, the right man might actually win the long sought after bar tab.
22. Speculation will rise back into existence
Are ducks reptiles, because they lay eggs? According to Google ducks are birds because they are feathered, winged, two-legged, warm-blooded, egg-laying vertebrates. Oh. Well that’s that conversation over… I feel like it could have been more fun, in a parallel universe where smart phones didn’t ruin everything…
23. You’ll learn how to deal with awkward situations
No more fake phone calls or distraction texting, you’ll have to deal with the socially retarded kid who likes you, or the ex and her new taller more tanned boyfriend who’s making polite small talk with you. Face it like a man, people.
24. You’ll escape escapism and live the reality you’ll wish you’d lived all along
#Freedom. The future’s bright. But the future’s not Orange.