Your Christmas Gifts Explained

Now before you start taking this post too seriously, the first thing you should interpret from a Christmas present is: oh isn’t that nice, they cared enough to get me something and to wrap it up. Especially if they’ve even remembered to take the price off – that’s when you know someone really cares.

But what if each gift is trying to tell you something…?

Motivational books wrapped in little reindeer can only mean one thing, surely: please God cheer up. Which is kinda sweet of your loved one, to want to help and to actively provide a productive means of instigating said merriness. And now you know that you need to smile a bit more, to avoid such gifts in the future.

If I wore all of the jumpers and all of the fuzzy bed socks I was given for Christmas this year, I would spontaneously combust and burn to death and you would never have to read a blog post of mine again. It can mean only one thing – either my family want me to stop writing this blog (…) or I look deathly pale and sick and in desperate need of warmth. So thank you, loved ones, for wanting to keep me warm and alive.

Christmas baubles. Christmas baubles…? This one gets me every time. Christmas… baubles. This gift means that your loved one really wants those remaining 12 days of Christmas to be slightly improved by the presence of a new Christmas bauble…? To be honest, this gift means that your loved one has a short attention span and got distracted and flustered at the till, where the baubles were dangling next to the sales assistant’s own. Said loved one thought it seemed an excellent idea at the time. And hey, baubles are still pretty glittery things, so don’t forget to thank said loved one for a thoughtful gift.

Now chocolates are always well received in my house, and I do love a good box of chocs. But, unfortunately, they do tend to mean one thing – you were the person they struggled with. You are difficult to buy for and they couldn’t get you bath salts again, so they went with chocolate. They dried up all their inventive gifts on Grandpa Neil who is notoriously impossible to satisfy and so they were left with the chocolate aisle in Waitrose at the end of the Christmas food shop. I mean, as presents go, you can’t complain. And where bath salts look edible but taste like bleach, at least you can actually eat these. And not to fear, next year Grandpa Neil will get a gift voucher and you’ll get something inventive, like a funny cushion or a weird garden ornament.

220 300x225 Take a paws: Exam puppy lounge to open over exam period

PUPPY, IT’S SO FLUFFY I’M GONNA DIE. If a loved one gets you a puppy for Christmas, YOU HAVE THE BEST LOVED ONE IN THE WORLD. And next year, you should get them the Xbox they asked for rather than the Primark slippers. And you don’t even feel that bad about it because, hey, you have a puppy now. Nothing is wrong with the world anymore. YOU HAVE A PUPPY.

So that’s the definitive list ladies and gents. My guide to your Christmas gifts. I hope you feel loved and looked after by your friends and family. And to my loved ones reading this – thank you for taking care of me; with each jumper, sock and piece of chocolate, I feel warmer, fuller and more loved than ever. And I especially hope you read the bit about the puppy. (Joking, my cat would eat it.) (And for the record, Christmas baubles are great. I love shiny things.)

May next Christmas bring you all more bath salts, perfumes and hair accessories (which are not a comment on your hygiene or appearance, as you would expect – but a sign that your parents want you to find a husband). And please remember: a puppy is not just for Christmas. And neither is jail. So don’t murder your parents. Just get them a bauble for Christmas next year.

*disclaimer: I really do like baubles, honestly.

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