The Real Harry Potter

There was once a boy who lived. He received a long and tedious application form to his Gmail account which he filled in (religion: agnostic, sexuality: undecided, medical history: once scarred by the Dark Lord of the wizarding world…) He was an average applicant but because he was famous, he was immediately accepted into Hogwarts without interview (because it’s not what you know, it’s who you know).

On Harry’s first day at Hogwarts, he was sorted into a House. These were called One, Two, Three and Four so as not to discriminate in any way. Three was soon exchanged for Five as it was deemed cursed and unlucky and One was exchanged for Six to dismiss claims that it was the best House.

Harry found an enchanted staircase where he could take his cigarette breaks (no teachers could ever catch him) but unfortunately, the stairs were covered in tape and cordoned off after the incident of the trapped and severed leg. They passed the time by enhancing certain substances with spells that resulted in many hospital trips (among other more exciting trips) and no room was safe from the hormonal rampant urges of young men and women trapped together 24/7 with no access to wifi (for some reason, Hogwarts rejected technology and electricity and settled for candlelit corridors. Wizards are proud people). Needless to say, there was many a teen pregnancy and plenty of ginger babies.

Who needs light switches when you can have dimly-lit flammable corridors instead? Don’t BS us with that ‘Lumos’, JK, we all know that tiny glow at the end of the wand can’t even match up to energy saving bulbs…

Harry also loved to play Quidditch but, due to health and safety regulations, the game could only take place on the ground. Flying in general was deemed dangerous and Harry was sleeping with an instructor for a fast-track license to ride a Hippogriff. She taught him a lot about how to use his wand to great effect. Statements much like this one also led to the renaming of the wand, which became the Webster. Unfortunately, this term was abused in exactly the same fashion.
Harry had to release Hedwig into the enchanted forest after animal rights activists left a boggart in his bed (which swiftly turned into an all too friendly Dumbledore) and soon a witch delivery service put hundreds of young witches into employment. Sadly this meant that letters, however, were much less likely to reach the required destination.

My school teachers never protected me from tornadoes of fire or daily attempts on my life…

The children loved Hogwarts, although, because they were all teenagers, they seemed to hate it. After several incidents, some involving giant basilisks, some involving huge speaking arachnids and most involving Voldemort and/or death, the school was hit by a running sequence of law suits before finally shutting down. Harry resumed his practice of magic in his cupboard under the stairs but, unfortunately, was arrested for illegal under-age activity. He later became an iPhone repair technician when he realised that technology was actually more powerful than magic and that, if muggles had been involved, Voldemort would have been killed with a bullet, grenade, bomb or untraceable poison twenty odd years ago.

Feature photo credit: Scott Smith